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Stop NBC if you've heard this one. Suppose someone pitched you a movie about a quiet seaside community that's rocked by a
series of vicious attacks from an aquatic monster - a voracious sea beast whose attacks are announced by a driving, thumping
score and a beast-eye-view camera rushing toward the surface.
Aligned against the beast are a brave law enforcement officer, a dedicated naturalist and a rogue seaman brought into
the mix by a tourism-obsessed official who doesn't want to see the town's beach closed. Along the way, someone will scream
"Get out of the water!," a small catch will be mistaken for the big monster, and the real monster will try to get
at the hero by boarding his boat.
If you just said, "Hey, that's Peter Benchley's 'Jaws'," you're right - and you're wrong. It's also Benchley's
and NBC's "The Beast," a knock-off so complete and obvious, Benchley should be happy the law does not recognize
self plagiarism.
Not that "The Beast," a two-part mini-series debuting tonight at 9, is exactly like "Jaws." The
first film had a shark and Steven Speilberg; this one has a squid and Jeff Bleckner (director of "Serving in Silence").
Neither change can be counted as beneficial.
Now Bleckner may be a fine director, but he's no Spielberg, and he shows no flair whatsoever for suspense. As for the
squid, well, I mean, it's a squid - not exactly a creature know to strike terror in the hearts of man. "Jaws" tapped
into our preexisting fear of sharks; "The Beast" tries to drum up those same feelings for an animal best known as
an appetizer. Oh, it's a big squid, but as "Night of the Lepus" proved (giant bunnies, in case you've forgotten),
making an animal bigger doesn't necessarily make it frightening.
To their credit, the actors - led by stars William Petersen and Karen Sillas - do their best to look terrorized. Then
again, maybe they really were frightened. Maybe someone told them they were now commited to "Beast 3-D."
Petersen is Whip Dalton, one of the few fisherman left in Graves Point, Washington (actually Sydney, Australia, which
explains the Australian accents that pop up among the extras). Sillas, last seen in CBS's "Under Suspicion," is
Coast Guard Lt. Kathryn Marcus, love interest and post-feminist complainer.
Though Dalton and Marcus are immediated attracted to each other, for the time being they have bigger calamari to fry.
Something is killing yachtsmen, divers and the occasional whale - something that smells of ammonia and leaves razor-sharp
claws behind in its victims. That something is Architeuthis dux, better known by its scientific name: "Movie Monsterus."
But wait! "A squid that big can't be real."
"I think it is real, Mike. I think it's real, and I think it's here."
I just love that kind of talk.
In the great tradition of sci-fi movies, there is an ecological answer for these sudden squid attacks. Mr. Dux's been
driven to hunt man because the bay's been over-fished by unscrupulous trappers like Lucas Coven ("L.A. Law's" Larry
Drake).
Fans of old Japanese monster movies may find it possible to enjoy "The Beast," but only if they have a high
tolerance for shamelessness. Not content to simply steal the plot from "Jaws," it also steals some of its most
famous images; the girl dimly outlined from above, flailing her legs in the water; the unexpected visitor in the shipwreck;
the monster charging the boat like a swimming bull. If you're going to borrow so heavily from Spielberg, at least give him
credit.
To be fair, "Beast" does add one new twist to the "Jaws" saga. The fishermen kill the beast's baby,
sending the mom into a revenge frenzy - sort of a squid pro quo. That, at least, is not from "Jaws," It's from
"Gorgo."
There are some jolts in "The Beast," but no real screams. And it's way too long. All the dawdling gives you
too much time to concentrate on the clinkers in the script and the holes in the plot. Once they've seen what the squid can
do to one wooden fishing boat, why would they go after it with another one? After all, if they're able to pick it up on sonar,
why not just let the Coast Guard take care of it?
As for the beast herself, while the review tape I received did not include all the special effects, the ones I saw were
not particularly impressive. Most of the fight scenes consist of actors purposely rolling themselves up in big rubber squid
arms, which may or may not contain razor-sharp claws, depending on the expendability of the person being attacked. And if
they didn't film those nighttime fight scenes in a back lot tank, they should fire the director of photography for making
it look like they did.
While "The Beast" may be an improvement on the usual warmed-over TV movie fare, leftovers are still leftovers.
If you really want to get pleasure out of a squid tonight, rent "Jaws" and serve the squid with cocktail sauce.
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